Empathy is the Secret Sauce

“Empathy works so well because it does not require a solution, it requires only understanding.”

-John Medina

Anyone that comes up to you and shares what they are going through, more often than not, they are not looking for a solution, they are just looking for an outlet and validation of their emotions. In these situations, if you just suspend judgement, not try to offer advice or solutions but just listen and empathize, you would build a lasting bond with the other person. Sounds easy, right? It is anything, but.

How many times have you found yourself saying phrases like – “It’s going to be okay, don’t worry”, “It could have been worse”, “Look at the bright side.” I know I have, a million times! Believe it or not, such phrases, though well intentioned, actually have the opposite effect.

Such reactions do nothing for the person opening up to you with their problems, it might end up frustrating them more because you did not validate their emotions rather asked them to shake off whatever they are feeling. When someone brings up the issues troubling them in a conversation, they are not looking for advice, what they are looking for is validation. A validation of their emotions, that they are not wrong in feeling what they are feeling.

Why is it hard to empathize?

Michael Sorensen, in his wonderful book “I Hear You” has said the usual reaction of offering to help might come from our conditioning. We are conditioned to believe sadness or frustration are bad emotions and the other person should not be feeling them. So, we try to make them feel better. The person confiding in you almost always knows what they should be doing. That’s never the point and you might end up frustrating them by echoing those solutions.

How to get better at empathizing

So what you should do instead, to become better at empathizing – here are some pointers:

1. Don’t just listen, listen AND validate – Ask questions that can help you and the other person uncover the issues behind their negative feeling or experience, such as – “What makes you say that?”.
2. Be a sounding board for people – You can make use of phrases like – “I would feel the same if I were you”, “That’s terrible! what are you going to do?” to make them run the potential solutions they are already thinking of by you. Mostly, just by saying those solutions out loud to another person can help someone decide what they are going to do.
3. Time your advice – Let them first ask you what you would do and then offer your sincerest advice. Ill timed and unsolicited advice never works!
4. Don’t invalidate – It is not only important to validate, but at the same time not invalidating is equally important. Don’t shrug off or belittle someone’s feelings or doubts. Don’t ask them to “shake it off”.

Another eye opening nugget from Michael Sorensen’s book – You don’t have to agree to empathize – In fact, if you listen and validate, the other person would be more receptive to conflicting ideas or you might see their point in a new light and reach a middle ground. This is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts in life and in the workplace.

Empathy and Leadership

Empathy is indeed the secret sauce that that sets apart good leaders from truly great ones. A leader with the ability to empathize and truly connect to their people can empower and inspire. They can bring out the best in other people by simple listening and validating without judgement. They make other people feel secure enough to confide in them. An empathetic leader will find more of their team members coming up to them and sharing work issues that leaders who are not approachable might never find out about.

It is easy to be indifferent. Compassion and empathy are hard work and need to be cultivated with a lot of practice and pain staking effort. If you are willing to put in the effort, the effects are truly rewarding. You would not only achieve more success yourself by lifting and inspiring people around you but also form deep and long lasting connections.